An unusual response to my answer on what I do for a living

Sometimes I wonder if I'm hypersensitive. A couple of weeks ago I was at a Sunday School teachers' meeting, and one of the guys asked what I do. What I wanted to say was, "I fold conotoxin peptides so they can be used in research for pain medications." Of course, that would sound like technobabble to the uninitiated, so I said, " I synthesize cone snail, marine snail, toxin proteins. We're trying to make those toxins into pain medicines."

His reaction: What's your major?

Me: I graduated in Biology.

Him: Oh. I never thought you'd be interested in something like that.

This was a highly unusual response, and one I'd never received before. I usually get "Cool," or, "I only understood maybe a fourth of what you said, but that sounds awesome." (The second response is what a second guy in the conversation gave)

I honestly didn't know how to respond. This was a guy who had only spoken to me on two other occasions, both dealing with Sunday School. Part of me (the worse part) wanted to give a snarky response similar to, "Why? Because I'm too pretty to be interested in science? It's not like I don't mention it in every other lesson I give or like I don't testify of faith and how it is difficult for some of us, like me, to live by faith because we are so logically minded."

Another part of me was genuinely interested in why he thought that--I do sometimes bring crocheting projects to church to help keep myself awake, and maybe he equated crocheting with domesticity in the absence of science (for the record, I also enjoy knitting, sewing, cross-stitching, cooking, baking, and painting, and I have taught myself those skills in whole or in part. Oh, and writing fantasy. So obviously science and domesticity are not mutually exclusive).

A third part of me was afraid that he would reply that it was because I was so quiet that I simply didn't seem that smart. (Of course, he probably wouldn't say that to my face, but perhaps his words would have implied that silence reflects on my intelligence or lack thereof. In reality, I am not prone to get into conversations on subjects I know little about, such as politics and sports. Silence does not indicate a lack of intelligence. Vocalization on certain subjects also does not correlate to IQ)

A fourth part of me feared that he meant that he thought I was too spiritual to be led away by science. That would have been insulting with faint praise. I do not believe that science and religion are separate, that one is true and one is false, but I have encountered this both at school and church far too many times to count. It hurts my soul and makes me doubt myself and God far too often for me to want to address it every single time.

So what did I do? Conflicting emotions and responses raged in my head, and after a moment's pause I opened my mouth and said, "Oh."

Then the guys sort of ignored me and started talking sports.

So, am I hypersensitive?

Human Experience. Or, a brief autobiography of my adult life. Or, reevaluating dreams and goals and continuing on anyway.

What is a dream?  What is a goal?  How do we strive to rise above ourselves and refine our lives?  Is there a certain pinnacle we must look for in deciding, "Now I have made it.  Now I am complete?"  What decides whether we succeed or fail?

In May, I graduated from the University of Utah and obtained my second bachelor's degree in Biology, with a minor in Chemistry and an emphasis in Biochemistry.  Since then, I have worked in a part-time job in a lab and applied for several (though obviously not enough) full-time positions as a lab technician, research assistant, chemistry researcher, biology researcher, and other such positions.  I have also self-published my second book, helped my mom edit and traditionally publish her memoir, helped her with setting up blog tours and radio interviews, helped babysit my nephew, worked on a quilt and crocheted half a sock.  I have also whittled away far too many hours in watching television and surfing the internet.  And all this has made me wonder, three months after my graduation, what am I doing with my life?  What are my goals?

Last year, the plan was that at about this time I would be getting ready to go to a shiny new school for a grand adventure in a graduate program, where I would finally gain enough experience to get a post-doc position and finally a real-life job in a scientific field of my choice.  And when I didn't get in, I suddenly felt so tired.  If I applied for graduate school again,  I wouldn't graduate until I was well past thirty, I wouldn't complete my post-doc until I was nearly forty, and I wouldn't get a "real" job until I was so old that people would probably throw out my resume because I wasn't the bright young PhD graduate that they could consider.  It made me depressed.  It made me go into a tiny shell and wonder, "Is this really worth it?"  I joked about getting a job at the zoo (although I have no experience in animal husbandry or animals in general), in the forest service (where you should have an emphasis in plant or animal science, not biochemistry), in anywhere besides what I really wanted to do: research chemicals (particularly those in plants) and their effects on the human body.  Yet I was afraid that by the time I finally graduated with my PhD that I would still be unmarried, alone, likely living far away from the rest of my family, without a house (because what unmarried graduate student can afford a house), and thus not even able to have a cat or a dog (since it's hard enough to find a place that allows pets anyway).

So I must ask myself: where have my dreams gone?  Am I really content to live in my parents' basement for the rest of my life? (The answer is: your parents won't let you live in the basement for the rest of your life, so you'd better get figuring things out)  What do I want to do?

My first degree was in Elementary Education, and after graduating from Brigham Young University I immediately got a job at a brand new charter school.  I quickly realized that all the fluffy warm-hearted speeches given by each of my teachers didn't matter to me when I had to create lesson plans and unit plans and a full curriculum outline and substitute plans and had to balance making sure the kids succeeded with making sure the kids were happy and creating individual education plans for my kids with special challenges and making the parents happy and making the principal happy and dealing with a regime change mid-year and changing my teaching style completely and then falling behind in paperwork and knowing that my college teachers said it's okay to not grade every assignment and then having the principals say that you should grade every assignment and me knowing it's impossible to know where the kids are in things like math without grading assignments and not having enough help and not being creative enough with crafts and having students tell me I'm a terrible teacher and having other students tell me I'm a wonderful teacher and having to admit to parents that I don't give their particular student enough attention and crying myself to sleep at night and hating most of my job and being afraid that I would start to hate the students.  So I got out.  I admire teachers that can deal with all of that and face each day with a smile and genuinely love their students and care about their success.  But I couldn't.  So I decided to go back to school and get a second degree.

Sometimes I wonder if I should have continued teaching.  Sometimes I dream I'm back in the classroom and it's not so bad.  Sometimes I have nightmares about teaching.  Sometimes my nightmares revolve around the fact that I went to school--except I went all the way back to elementary school instead of just to college.  And then I remember those dark days: the days where I felt that the world would be better if I simply ceased to exist, where ceasing to exist was better than killing myself in a job that I wasn't good at, where I felt like I wasn't the teacher my students deserved and that just vanishing would be better for them.  I would call myself suicidal but unmotivated (*this is not a clinical diagnosis. If you need to talk to someone, go do it. Get help).  I never actually planned my own death--but I definitely imagined the world without me.  I think realizing what would happen to my mother in particular--her mom died by suicide when she was just twelve--if I took my own life is what kept me from formulating any sort of plan.  It's like there is a wall in my mind that grows up around any visualization of suicide, and that wall is triggered by the word "Mom."  You see, I realized that my death would cause suffering among my family, but it was the double-pain it would cause my mom that kept me from going any further than imagining the world without me.

It is because of those dark days that I believe it was right for me to stop teaching.  Yet that has always made me wonder: am I a flake?  Is my character so weak that I can't hold onto a job that will make me struggle?  I live surrounded by people who have so many more problems than me, so why can't I get and hold a steady job?

So I turn again to my original question: what is a dream?  What is my dream?  When will I reach a point that says I am "complete?"  When I was in junior high and high school, my only dream was to become a writer.  Not very practical, everyone told me, to only have that dream.  After all, we are no longer in the age of sponsors for the arts, and books were never very sponsor-able in the first place.  Plays, maybe.  But books?  All the classics I know of were written by people who had inherited money or who were already secure financially, allowing them the leisure time to spin tales of romance, political intrigue, morality tales, and dark adventures.  In today's day and age, you hear of the famous authors who write for a living, but these authors are a handful of select few.  Most other writers write in their spare time, around other jobs and family lives that they are passionate about, making maybe fifty dollars a year off of their royalties.  So yes, writing is still a dream of mine, but it is not something that can put food in my mouth.  I've made maybe twenty dollars total on both of my books in the past two years, and where I self-published I get higher royalties than traditionally-published authors.

What are some other dreams of mine?  As I am getting older, the dream of becoming a married wife and mother is slowly fading.  Not that it was very strong to begin with.  I was not one of those girls who had their wedding all planned out while they were still in high school.  I didn't create pages of lists of traits for my imagined perfect groom or decide where I want to go on my honeymoon.  I did play house when I was little, but I just as often played Star Wars and dragons and knights.  Ironically enough, as I grow older the desire for a husband and children is growing stronger, yet it often feels that that sort of life is slowly passing me by.  And then there are the student loans I have accumulated in my second bachelor's.  How can I be so selfish as to ask a man to marry me, let me be a stay-at-home mother, and have him pay off my debts?

And what about graduate school?  Is that something I'm willing to give up on?  For a family, yes.  But what if I get bored?  What if I want to continue my education?  What if I want to make my mark in the world?  And again, there's the question of student loan debt.  Would I be able to get a job that relies on my degree that will allow me to return my debt?  Most certainly, with a doctorate degree.  Perhaps, with just a bachelor's, though it would take several years if I held back any for other things (like living expenses).

So I return, again, to some of my questions and pose a new one: What are my dreams?  What are my goals?  When will I be complete?  And the new one: am I going to continue just sitting here letting the world pass by?

It is the human experience that things never go as they are planned.  If someone's plans go perfectly according to schedule, then they are the lucky few.  But we cannot simply let life pass by because our plans got thrown in the mud, because our script got torn apart and someone else's inserted, requiring us to learn new lines.  We must press forward, saying "come what may," following what dreams we can while accepting others along the way.  So I tell myself, and you, my readers, Lift yourself up.  Follow your dreams.  Do not let the many side paths life places before you get you down.  Your destination is still ahead.  Don't sit in the mud and wonder where you got lost.  Stand up, your map in hand (although it may now have a few alterations), and continue forward.

My thoughts on Ordain Women

As a Mormon woman, my Facebook newsfeed has been flooded recently, as I am sure many of yours have, with news on Ordain Women's founder Kate Kelly and her excommunication from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  I haven't commented, and haven't commented, and haven't commented, but I have read the comments of others.  They have ranged from, "I feel so sorry for her," to "Good riddance! Now she can start her own church," to "The leaders of the Church should be ashamed of themselves.  This is just more proof they don't love and support women and that all women are oppressed!"  Then there are the comments of, "Women are oppressed, and they shall never be equal to men unless they hold the Priesthood and are able to be bishops, apostles, and so forth," to "I don't hold the Priesthood, and I don't WANT to hold the Priesthood," to "I hold the Priesthood already--go read Elder Oak's talk," to "I hold the Priesthood every time I hug my husband," to even, "Women will never ever ever in all eternity get the priesthood because that is what God wills!" (as though they perfectly know the mind of God)

All of these comments, both hateful and respectful, have prompted me to write this post, at the risk of being late to work. I wouldn't say the Spirit prompted me to do this, but as I am now choosing this path, I pray the Spirit will be with me as I try to acknowledge and address what I feel regarding all this monstrosity of ugliness from all sides.  Forgive me if my thoughts are scattered. I have never written this down, and I have told very few people any of my thoughts and none all.

First of all, Ordain Women seeks to change the doctrine of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints by increasing awareness of gender inequality the fact that women don't "hold the priesthood" in our church. They have a very defined and rigid idea of what it means to hold the priesthood, and they will not take any other sort of revelation or counselling as an answer.  Now, this may not be the individual members of Ordain Women, but this is the image they have created throughout the months, with Kate Kelly being the most rigid of all.

Second, I do not believe it is impossible for there to be a revelation where women receive more priesthood keys than they already have, or perhaps to be set apart and ordained to different levels of the priesthood/priestesshood. BUT I do not necessarily think it will come in the form of deacon, teacher, priest, elder, high priest, patriarch, apostle, and prophet. There could be an entirely different form of priestesshood that will enrich the lives of those around us, in the Church and out.  All spiritual gifts are for the enrichment of others, not the holders of those spiritual blessings--whether priesthood or otherwise. HOWEVER, I believe before we receive any sort of additional spiritual gifts (and yes, the Power of God is a gift, not an entitlement or a right) we need to recognize and honor that priesthood authority and power we women have already been given.  What?! Women already have priesthood authority? You betcha! If they have a calling, they have been given priesthood authority to act in the name of Christ to fulfill their calling. If women have gone to the temple, they have been endowed with priesthood power. So, I am just as angry at those women who say they don't have the priesthood as those who say they must receive it in order to be equal. (Those wondering where in the world I'm getting this information, go to: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2014/04/the-keys-and-authority-of-the-priesthood?lang=eng. This is Elder Oak's talk from last conference, which I believe was directed to women everywhere, including Ordain Women, to help them get ready for further blessings)

Third, many people online have been commenting that Kate Kelly was excommunicated for asking questions. That is NOT why she was excommunicated.  She was excommunicated for organizing a group that, as a whole, refuses to listen to the prophets, that does what may be called missionary work and organized discussions to "convert" people to the cause, and for herself being firm and obstinate in refusing to believe that perhaps, just maybe, it is for the Lord's anointed, in this case the Prophet himself, to declare revelation for the entire church, not for her to "receive revelation for the church" and try to bully the church into accepting her revelation. Does that mean she has not received personal revelation? Perhaps she has. But she does not have the authority to declare that as revelation for the church, nor to organize discussions for the teaching of the people of the Church.  That would not change if she did have the priesthood. In many of these respects, she has been acting as Korihor did in the Book of Mormon, who organized his own religion with its own teachings and led many of the members of the church away, all while mocking the leaders of the church. True, the content of the message is different, but fundamentally the actions are the same.

Finally, those who insist that this whole "priesthood thing" is representative of gender inequality in the church is missing the whole point. There does exist gender inequality in some cultures, and some of those cultures bleed over into what could be called a "church culture" for different geographic regions. I am not saying that gender inequality is not a problem in those areas in which it does exist.  But ordaining women to the priesthood will not change that! Do you really think that if women have the priesthood there will not be men who claim their priesthood is better because they're a man and thus hold unrighteous dominion over their wives? Do your really believe that it will get rid of the people who believe that women sin if they wear pants to church? (By the way, while I wear skirts to church, this baffled me--I grew up seeing my mom come in scrubs and other women come in pant suits.  I didn't even know that there were women out there who were being sent home to change--But I don't believe that Sacrament Meeting is a place to protest this cultural blindness) Do you really think that women holding the priesthood will change the fact that some people think "the only place for women is at home with the children," or, conversely, "That woman is a stay-at-home mom? By choice? How does she ever feel fulfilled? That can't be possible!"? Do you really think that these problems, and other CULTURAL problems will magically be erased if women get the priesthood? I don't! We need to stand where we are, change CULTURAL problems where they exist, all before a revelation on high--that may or may not come--is received. We are not supposed to sit twiddling our thumbs. BUT that does not mean that going against the leaders of the church, demanding revelations that fit our desires, are what we need to do. Talk to your bishops, to your stake presidents, heck, send a letter to the First Presidency, to try to get some CULTURAL change to take place. But don't try to change the doctrine and keys of the priesthood to fit your perceived notion of God's plan as an end-all fix-all for problems that do exist.

I choose to follow the Prophet of God, to sustain him and wait for revelations to be received for the Church. Not because I am some dumb sheep, and not because I don't recognize that problems do exist. But because I believe in the scripture, "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." I prayed during conference to know whether the leaders of the Church were leading us astray. I do not believe they are. I believe that I received personal revelation that they are listening to the Spirit, that they do not turn a blind eye on the members of the Church, that there are gifts out there for us to receive if we first receive the gifts we already have. Does that mean the gifts we'll receive is priesthood ordinances? Maybe, maybe not. It could mean things like increased faith, increased endurance, increased knowledge. But I will trust in God that I will accept whatever he reveals to me and to the Church.

I Am an Advocate for Life

I am an advocate for life.

Today, I heard of a young woman who committed suicide last night, the same young woman whose brother committed suicide three years before.  I have never met this woman, but my mother has, and she was heartbroken.

Suicide is something that we see in the news, that we hear about from friends and family members, and that we almost immediately hush.  My heart aches whenever I hear about someone who has chosen to end their life because of reasons I will never understand.  It is said that depression is the main reason for suicide, but I have also heard it said that there are millions of people with depression but the only people who commit suicide are the ones who feel the world would be better off without them.

My brothers.  My sisters.  My fellow human beings: you are important.  You are children of God.  You are more important than all the earth and more dazzling than the sun.  Every last one of you, you matter.  Please, do not suffer alone.  Come to me, to your friends, to your family.  Go to someone you trust, someone you admire.  Talk to them.  Talk to me.  I will listen.  You are loved.

And to those who notice someone in distress: go to them.  If you are that trusted someone, listen.  Mourn with them.  Then lift them up.  Rejoice with them.  Smile with them.  Be there for them.  Don't ignore them.

I know my words are inadequate.  I have not been in the terrible situation of knowing someone personally who has taken their own life.  But I do know people who came close, who turned away from that choice because of family and friends who supported them and loved them unconditionally, who knew it was important to recognize the problem and talk it through, who never gave up even though it took months for their loved one to become healthy and happy once more.  Please, let us all be advocates for life, people who lift one another, who speak kindness and open our arms to accept those around us.

I close this post with this video of Josh Groban's song "You Are Loved."  It has gotten me through many hard times, and I hope it helps you in yours.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Today, I am going to talk about a well-known holiday.  This holiday is often filled with pink and red heart-shaped balloons, heart-shaped chocolates, heart-shaped flower arrangements, and heart-shaped pizza.  Yes, I'm talking about Valentine's Day.

Most years on this day I sit depressed in my room, staring at the walls, thinking of all the happy couples giving gifts to each other.  This behavior started in Junior High when girls--who I then considered lucky--got glass roses from their boyfriends and parents delivered to them in the middle of class (but someone like me, who was often out of the loop, never knew if that thirteen-year-old girl had a boyfriend or if it was just their parents treating them super special).

Two years were different.  On one year I had a crush on a boy and gave him a can of hot cocoa (I felt that was a clear enough message without being too forward).  I soon after became that boy's girlfriend and we dated for six months or so.  While at first it felt good to have so much attention, the relation eventually became a place that was unhealthy for either of us as he turned into an emotionally controlling boyfriend and I was too compliant to put my foot down.  My mother was actually the one who kicked him out of the house and broke us up.

On another year, I had been dating a young man for a couple of months--though we hadn't yet even held hands.  He was taking it slow, and I was so madly in love with him that I decided I'd let him go as slow as he wanted.  I was giddy with excitement on Valentine's Day.  They night before, I had fussed over the cards section, looking for the perfect card--one that wasn't too lovey-dovey but that clearly stated that I hoped someday we would be more than friends that went on outings every weekend (and sometimes mid-week).  I also got him chocolates of the non-heart-shaped variety--gourmet dark chocolates, each bar made with different cocoa beans from different parts of the world, yielding unique and exotic flavors.  I called him, asking him to come over, and I gave him the chocolates, flirting so hard and feeling so giddy that I was somewhere near the stars.  He gave me nothing, said he'd forgotten all about Valentine's Day.  I was still a little giddy, but somewhat deflated.  When he left, I felt awkward, stupid, and a bit empty.  Later that evening, my dad came over to my apartment and hand-delivered my annual Valentine's Day gift from my parents--a teddy bear with a little pink sweatshirt.  I've never been so pleased to see a teddy bear and felt so much love for my parents (especially my dad, the bearer of gifts) than at that moment.  I've often slept with that teddy bear since then--she's getting a little tattered by now.

What does this have to do with Valentine's Day today?  Well, looking back on these experiences, I've realized something.  I have never been alone on Valentine's Day--not truly.  Yes, there were times that I may have felt alone, times when I felt misunderstood, lonely, depressed, but there have always been this small group of people that I could always--always--count on.  My family has always been there for me.  They have always showered me with love, regardless of the day of the year.  I love them deeply, and I am happy for them and their successes.  I would rather spend all my Valentine's Days single than trade my family for another one.  Perhaps I am lucky that way.

So everyone, hug your loved ones today!  Singles, stop calling this day Singles Awareness Day.  It's not--it's Valentine's Day.  So stop looking at those depressing gray walls, stop stuffing your face with that chocolate and ice cream that you bought yourselves, and go hug a loved one today--a friend, a parent, a dog.  Those of you with spouses, boyfriends/girlfriends/significant others, I rejoice for you.  Love them, cherish them, treat them right.  Those of you with children, love them with all your might!  Teach them that Valentine's Day is more than glass roses and boxed chocolates.  Teach them that it is one day a year to have fun with showing love.  Show love every day, but make it extra fun today--bake cookies, have a bubble party, make a movie.  Everyone, let's celebrate all the loved ones in our lives today!

Herbs are Magic! (Well they're useful, anyway)

In order to be a successful blogger, many people say you should post something new every day.  Well, I don't know if I'll be able to keep that up, or if you HAVE to post every day to be "successful," but I kind of like the idea of posting something every day--it's kind of like having a column in the daily newspaper (though one I'm not being paid for).  So today I decided I'll write about herbs!

The whole culture surrounding herbs--using these natural organisms for poultices, tonics, tinctures, and the like, saying that it is better for the body--is what drew me towards bioprospecting, or looking for medicinal compounds in natural products.  Why, I thought, aren't more people in the scientific community researching more of the herbs that are used by millions--if not billions--of people around the world?  Some of the old herbalism and apothecary sciences might be old wives' tales, but not all of them.  And while there are several people doing experiments with the whole plant or with the essential oils, why aren't more scientists looking for active compounds in the herbs to validate herbalists' work or to engineer medicines that may work better for the body?  My grandmother was a self-taught herbalist, and though she died when my mother was young I grew up hearing now and then of the remedies she'd use for colds and aches and how she was a healer in the community (who did so out of the goodness of her heart, not so that she could be paid).  All of these things made me want to bring the scientific community, including modern medicine, and old remedies closer together, to bridge the gap between "traditional medicine" and "holistic medicine."

Some people think I'm crazy for wanting to learn the healing properties of herbs.  Some people think I'm crazy that I want to learn about herbs but also don't want to throw out traditional medicine.  I think that these are two parts of the same whole, and that if we bridge the gap and allow ourselves to be open-minded and learn about both vast reservoirs of knowledge that we can live more fully, with less pain, less stress, and more physical and spiritual health.  Is that such a bad thing?

Because of my schooling, and the fear shrouded in laziness that I eluded to in my previous post, I have not had the chance to learn much about herbs over the past year.  I did purchase several books on medicinal plants of the Rocky Mountains, as well as a starter book of edible herbs to grow.  I have successfully kept my herbs indoors throughout the winter without them dying (most of them, anyway.  My poor peppermint will probably have to be replanted).  I know a vague bit about the medicinal properties of ginger, peppermint, and chamomile.  This year, I hope to expand my knowledge of herbs and plant at least one new type of herb.  That herb is Anise.  I don't know much about it, except that I love its licorice flavor and that chewing the seeds after eating can help with digestion and preventing bad breath.  So, here's to 2014, when hopefully I'll be able to get into a graduate school and start my dream of bridging two worlds.

Resurrecting the Blog, and Finding My Passion

Hello, Everyone!

It's been a long time since I last posted on this blog (last I checked, it was sometime in 2010), and I debated whether I should start a new blog or just resurrect this old one.  As I'm (obviously) not very good at the whole social media/blogging/getting my voice out there thing, I decided I'd just resurrect this one.  Last time I wrote, I was in the middle of teaching, hoping to get out of work in time to make the one-hour drive home before the "winter storm to end all storms" hit.  (FYI, the "winter storm" turned out to be a lot of blustery wind, some big clouds, and a little drizzle)  Today, three-and-a-half years later, I am no longer a teacher.  I decided to stop teaching (personal reasons I won't bore you with), go back to school, get a second degree in biology, and go on to graduate school in the hopes of becoming a mad scientist with the know-how to conquer the world!

Okay, honestly, I wanted to help to save the world by finding new compounds from natural sources that could cure diseases and alleviate illnesses.

So, what has brought me back to this lowly blog, in the hopes of resurrecting a fallen beast?

I didn't get into my grad school of choice.

Now, that doesn't mean I won't get into grad school, as I have already interviewed at a second school and haven't heard back from four others, but it came as a heavy blow.  I knew I'd messed up on one or two interviews, that I'd been really flustered and had made some major errors when explaining my research experience, but this was THE school, with THE program, that made me decide that quitting teaching and landing myself in debt with seemingly insurmountable student loans was the right choice.  And, well, not getting into this school, of all schools, made me question my choice that I made in late March of 2011.

How could I, who was so sure of myself, who got good grades the first and second time around, not get into the program I desired?  Was I so cut off from the world, so lost in myself, that I had developed some fatal flaw?  Was I a pariah, untouchable by graduate schools?

Self-doubt, if you can't guess, at its finest.

And so, as I examine myself and my life these past few years, I've realized something: I have not let my passion flourish and grow.  I believe that this wonderful earth, this extraordinary planet we live on, is full of plants, animals, fungi, bacteria, little amoebas, viruses, that can all help to save us from ourselves.  I believe that this planet was given to us by God, to rule over, but not in the way that some people think.  We are meant to be stewards of this earth, to rule in kindness, and by studying this planet and all its inhabitants, we can find all we need right where we stand.  I believe that every living thing has a purpose, whether to look upon as beautiful or to provide us with a compound that can cure cancer, and it is up to us to find it, care for it, and learn from it.  Yet, though I am passionate about this, I have not allowed myself to learn about it, to grow from it, to become wiser through it.  I have sat back for the past three years and let the world pass me by, scared in my own little room, terrified of what I might encounter.

For that is my fatal flaw: fear, disguised as slothfulness.

I vow to overcome this fear, to find--or re-find--the magic of the world and the magic within my own heart.  If I get into graduate school, I shall rejoice.  If not, I will find some other job, one I can be passionate about and that will let me research those compounds, those plants, those animals I care so much about.  I will study hard, gain experience, and decide--if I don't get into grad school--exactly how to tailor my next year's graduate applications to my specific interests and passions. It is passion that sets us apart, that makes us unique, that guides us to make a difference in the world.  Not just me, but everyone around me.  Everyone has something they love, something that they must follow.  It might not make them rich or famous.  Hey, it might not even take them out of their hometown.  But it is the passion--for life, for love, for happiness--that lets us grow.

Seek your passion, as I shall seek mine.